How To Teach Our Kids Patience
May 21, 2020 | News | No Comments
In today’s speedy culture, sometimes it feels as if there’s no time to breathe — let alone practice patience. However, kids take our lack of patience challenge to a whole new level.
“Get it now!” my 4-year-old sobs when I’m trying to quickly make him dinner (even though he just ate 20 minutes ago). “Daddy! Let’s play, let’s play, let’s play,” he says five minutes after my husband walks in the door. My husband responds, “Hold on, I have to use the bathroom first!”
And I’m sure you’ve all heard the “Are we there yet?” question in the car two minutes after you start toward your destination. Hopefully, for your sake, it’s a quick trip.
All these examples make me wonder: How will my son ever handle trying situations in the future or learn to become more patient in life?
Child psychologist Dr. Brittany Webber sheds some light on this stage of my son’s life and assures me that his ability to be patient hasn’t quite developed yet. “Children in this age range are still developing their executive functioning skills like impulse control, organization skills, self-monitoring and self-regulation, managing emotions, focus, attention, etc. The area of the brain that is responsible for these functions is the frontal lobe, which is not fully developed until 25 years old!”
That’s a long time to wait for a peaceful car ride! Sure, we can whip out the iPad and distract them, but that creates other issues, such as an unhealthy TV addiction.
Related: Toys And Games That Will Make Kids Put Down The Tablet
Because of this undeveloped frontal lobe, Webber goes on to say, “Young children are more impulsive, less emotionally regulated and have less self-control than we might expect, and this is especially true when a young child is very bright and verbally articulate. Parents often expect that these children have the ability to be conscientious, use logic and remain calm. However, that is an unrealistic expectation.”
So let’s give these kids a break and understand that they are doing the best they can. In other, words, let’s practice our own patience when our kids are impatient. Here are some mom-tested and expert solutions for teaching our kids patience:
Understand and Model
Webber says, “Parents should consider that young children do not yet have the ability to take on the perspective of others — their thinking at this age is still very black and white — and it is important that parents both understand what the child is truly capable of as well as model for their children how to do so.”
Validate and Distract
Mom Lizzie says, “I feel like dealing with impatience comes with the territory of parenting. My route is to validate my kid’s feelings, (‘Yes! I hear you: It is so hard to wait!’) and then distract.”
Frame and Describe
Mom Emily encourages her child to use the tools available to her to figure out the answers to her question. “‘Can you see where we are right now? We’re still riding on the highway. Here comes a sign — it tells us how many miles until we get there,’ etc. I will try to frame things in terms she can understand. For example I’ll also say, ‘You have time to read two more pages, and then it will be time for dinner,'” she says.
Yoga and Meditation
I know a yoga teacher who started meditating and doing yoga with her child by the age of 2. Her daughter seems like the calmest child on Earth, at least from their Facebook photos. I’ve thought of teaching my boy to meditate, but that seems a bit difficult at this moment in time. Still, there is a great yoga class for kids in town, and I will try to sign him up for it, or we will find some YouTube videos on yoga for kids.
Timers and Your Own Patience
Mom Kate also says, “The Greeks have two words for time — chronos (quantitative, clock-time) and kairos (qualitative, right-time or lost in the moment). I sometimes think parents are all chronos and little kids are all kairos, and that’s where it gets tricky. Not sure how to solve that other than a.) timers (which we use) and b.) having patience of our own while they learn how to gauge the social construct of time!”
Introducing children to the idea and practice of patience at a young age will help them develop these skills more quickly in the future. Webber says, “While the part of the brain that helps with patience and attention is not fully developed until our mid-20s, how children think, feel and interact with others in the present ultimately affects how their brains develop. What they practice and focus on now will impact the connections their brain makes. So if they start practicing patience in the early years, those connections in the brain will grow stronger. All that is to say, if we want our children to grow up as patient adults, we need to help them practice that skill in developmentally appropriate ways over time.”
Webber adds that the frequent use of screen time will not help young children’s patience skills, especially since screen time is based on immediate gratification. Parents use this as a distraction from bad behavior, but it often has the opposite effect in the long run.
Patience is something we all struggle with, even with developed lobes. Let’s have compassion for our impatient littles ones and help them practice good habits, while us mamas model calm, patient behavior, too.
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